The Secret to Having the Sex Talk With Your Kids

Want to know the secret to having the sex talk with your kids? Just have the conversation. 

I know that feels like a bait-and-switch, but there's no one out there who can do a better job than you because they're your kids. Yours. 

We're touching on the topic of talking to kids about sex again this week because we discovered an interesting phenomenon during our last episode about how to talk to kids about sex: while the vast majority of young adults we interviewed felt their parents had not done a good job talking to them about sex, the vast majority (well, actually, all) of the parents believed they had. Unquestioningly. 

It dawned on us at one point that perhaps sex is a lot like giving birth: you can take all the Lamaze classes you want, but until you are actually in labor, you have no idea what it's going to be like. Is it possible that perhaps, just perhaps, parents were talking about sex but their kids were tuning them out? That maybe because they weren't actually in labor, so to speak, they just heard some things but the stuff they ended up desperately needing to know later had been pushed to the back of their minds, or even ignored?

We're going to explore that avenue on this week's episode, We're Talking Sex . . . Again, but before we do, we're sticking to our original premise here: the secret to having the sex talk with your kids is to have the conversation. And then have it again. And then keep talking. Because there are thousands of voices all vying for your kids' attention on this topic, and the louder yours can be, the more likely they are to hear you.

Keep talking sex with your kids.

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{affiliate links} We think Barrett Johnson's book The Talks: A Parent's Guide to Critical Conversations about Sex, Dating, and Other Unmentionables is extremely helpful. You can hear Barrett on Episode 13: How to Raise a Pagan Kid in a Christian Home and Episode 16: How Do I Talk to My Kids About Sex?

Talk About Sex With Your Kids Now: It's Not a Moment Too Soon

Fletch and I love producing our podcasts, but the real treat is the connection we have with all of you. This morning we received an email from a reader that touched us and reminded us again why we are passionate about HomeschoolingIRL. 

My husband and I are basically jaded enough that not much will surprise us. We have worked hard to maintain a family environment where our children feel safe to talk to us about anything, without fear of repercussion. Or so we thought. 

Yesterday I listened to the latest podcast from Homeschooling IRL, on talking to your kids about sex. The main gist of it was that we needed to be talking to our kids about it sooner and beyond just the biology of it. 

Our oldest is a young tween and has known for a long time the mechanics of sex because he is a question-asker and we have a policy that if you ask a straight question, you get a straight answer. We have already started talking about how sex is designed by God and is a gift between a husband and a wife. He understands that sometimes people choose to not follow God’s plan and that’s why we know people who have children outside of marriage. 

After listening to the podcast I felt like I needed to start a deeper discussion with him. Like NOW. I casually sat him down and just quickly reminded him that he can trust me and can ask me any question, about anything, and I won’t get mad or upset. He responded by saying that sometimes he’s just a little embarrassed. I suggested that maybe he could text me his questions and he quickly agreed that was a good idea and that was the end of the conversation. 

About 15 minutes later, he was in his bedroom and I was on the couch in the living room working and my phone bleeped. It was a text from my son. 

And the questions started. And didn’t stop for about 30 minutes. 

I realized that this conversation was happening not a minute too soon. 

We have been intentional about talking with him about what is appropriate viewing – our bodies are private and we shouldn’t be seeing other people’s naked bodies. We’ve talked about appropriate language. We’ve talked about honoring God with our thoughts. But yesterday I had to start getting a lot more specific, more specific than I ever thought I’d need to with someone his age.

At the end of our text conversation, he asked if he could come out and give me a hug and I said of course. We hugged on the couch and prayed together and he went back to his room to finish reading his book. 

I sat on the couch, with my stomach in knots, thinking, Holy Cow! I never want to go through that again!  But, yet, I also know it is the first of many, many more conversations with him and all of our other children. I thank God that my son and I were able to talk openly and honestly about a very difficult subject. 

Thank you, Fletch and Kendra, for bringing this out into the open. My prayer this morning is that this is the beginning of a stronger family for me, that isn’t afraid or embarrassed to talk about the hard stuff.

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If you want some practical help with the sticky conversations, don't forget to check out Barrett Johnson's excellent and helpful book, The Talks: A Parent's Guide to Critical Conversations About Sex, Dating, and Other Unmentionables. You can also find our podcast, How Do I Talk to my Kids About Sex? right here.

The Talks: A Review of Barrett Johnson's New Book About Sex Education

Affiliate link

Fletch and I have not done a great job of talking to our kids about sex. Encouraged by well-meaning friends and conservative authors to give our kids only the necessary biological information and nothing more, we unwittingly pushed the topic of sex and all that surrounds it into a mysterious hole from which our children felt they could never bring the topic out into the light of day.

According to our two oldest children, we failed them in ways that were destructive to one and frustrating to the other. There have been a lot of great late night discussions with these guys flopped out across our bed and draped over the big chairs in our bedroom, and now the topic is not taboo; the four of us plus our three teens can talk a mean streak about anything. It’s healthy.

Our failure in the area of sex ed is one of the reasons we felt it was important to record an episode of HomeschoolingIRL on the topic of how to talk to your kids about sex. Lo and behold, one of our favorite recent guests, Barrett Johnson, has written an excellent book on this topic, and we want you to know about it. Save your kids from the black hole of non-communication, as it were.

The Talks will encourage you to think differently about how you talk to your kids about sex, the content of your conversations, and how often you broach the subject. Barrett doesn’t assume you feel comfortable about this topic, and he even addresses the feeling of being a hypocrite as a parent who perhaps didn’t make the best choices yourself. If that’s you, you’ll appreciate his non-judgmental encouragement.

The Talks starts with theory, with Biblical foundation for saving sex for the safety of a marriage commitment, and both the physical and emotional consequences of living a life without sexual self control.

But the meat of the book is in its middle. Part Two, Fifteen Conversations Your Family Must Have Sooner Than You Think, covers basics about the opposite sex, the biology of intercourse, modesty, chivalry, selfishness, chemistry, unity, accountability, social media, pornography, marriage, and abuse. I so appreciated the practical content of these chapters, and especially the chapter on scripts, giving my kids realistic and helpful ways to answer others in sticky situations they may find themselves in.

This is practical stuff. The chapter on social media actually gives step-by-step conversation points so you know what exactly to address. You won’t be caught off guard when your teen’s itemized cell phone bill rivals the girth of a Manhattan phone book. Not that we know from experience or anything.

The Talks is an excellent place to start pushing the door open in your home, to creating the kind of open environment that fosters respect and unhindered communication with your children on a topic that has most of us tripping, stumbling, and falling.